Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So here I am, sexting at work.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
