Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
