Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
