If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
