I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
