Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Randomize
