i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
