I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼‍♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
