I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
