Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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