I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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