Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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