cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
