Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
