I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Randomize
