Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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