There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
