Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
