all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
