i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
