My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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