OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
