Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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