I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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