Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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