so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
