tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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