If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Just high enough for therapy.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
