He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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