My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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