I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
