We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
