You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
