You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
