mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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