he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
We left the knife in your bed.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
