...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
