Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
