I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
