Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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