You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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