onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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