roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
