According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
