I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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