I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
