Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
