When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
