So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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