My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
