Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
